Thursday, 25 October 2007

Best Foot Forward

First of all, I'd just like to say thank you for all of your comments - it's been lovely to know that you've all been out there, rooting for me. And now, as promised, you can have the update.

We went out this evening, I've been back a little while now. We had tickets to a gig in Birmingham that we booked a while ago. I was back in work, he's off for the rest of the week, so we decided to meet up before for a drink and something to eat.

I've felt out of sorts today. Maybe I am missing the cooked breakfast. I met him in the bar and smiled when I saw him, waiting for me. He got off his bar stool to give me a kiss.

'Hello handsome' I said. 'Hello gorgeous' he replied.

We talked about what he had done with himself today, we talked about what I had done at work, and then moved on to get something to eat. We arrived at a different bar. We ordered our food and made small talk.

He looked at me and said 'You want to talk about us, don't you?'

And I looked at him, and I knew. I said 'No. There's no point, is there?'

And there wasn't. We talked though, and he told me that he cares for me a lot, but it just wasn't right. It wasn't right in his heart. And that's where it needs to be right, most of all.

I cried into my dinner, while he asked me if we could still be friends. And I told him, no. There was no going back, not for me. Because it wouldn't be fair, unless we both wanted the same thing. And I would always want more than he could give.

We left the bar, and I cried again, because I knew that when I walked away from him, that would be the last time that we were friends. And he cried too. Because he knew it as well.

So I made a choice. Right or wrong, I have no idea, and less interest in if it even matters. I told him I was going to the gig, he asked if I wanted some company. It's pretty much where we started as friends, and it seemed right to finish there too. So we went to the gig and it was fabulous. One of the best ones I've seen.

He walked me to the train station, and we hugged while we said good bye. I put my hand on his cheek and told him to take care. He told me the same.

And then I walked away. And I didn't, couldn't look back. Best foot forward, but on my own.

I sit here now, wondering where to go from here. I'm not sure whether to carry on with this blog, start a new one, or delete it. The heart feels ripped out of this one.

Or that just might be me.


Rainbow said...

Oh Tina, so sorry it didn't work out for you. Everything I can think of is such a cliche - so look after yourself, there is a way out of this xx

belle said...

Tina, my lovely, you must hurt so much. There's nothing to say is there? Just lots and lots of love to you xxx

Swearing Mother said...

Tina, I am so sorry. Was so hoping it was going to be what you're looking for.

Will be thinking about you and checking to see if you're OK.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

I suppose if it really wasn't meant to be you can't force it. I'm sorry you have been through this but don't let it stop you blogging. You have many happy times to look forward to and if you want it to happen, a wonderful partner will indeed fill your life and make you feel as special as you really are.
Take care.
Crystal xx

debio said...

Oh, Tina, just popped over because you found me.....

So sad; please do not stop blogging - just do it when you can - you might find that it helps.

With you every step of your 'best foot forward'.

Tina said...

Rianbow, you are right of course. I just need to find it.

Belle, thank you.

Swearing Mother - am hoping that normal service will soon be resumed. Back to moaning etc...

Crystal - thank you

Debio - welcome, and apologies you have not found me at my best!