I'm not really sure that I know where to start. We've always had such an honest friendship and we've never had any trouble finding something to talk about. It's not really like that though now, is it? It's probably because we don't see one another so much though now, which is hardly a surprise. I'd sort of planned on never seeing you again, although I think that was what I wanted for only a little while. It didn't really take very long before I missed having you around.
But it's still not easy. You broke my heart, you know. I'm not even sure if you know that. I know that I've always been fairly open about my feelings, so it probably won't come as anything of a surprise. But did you know about my heart? Or did you think that I'm such a strong woman, I'd kind of laugh it off, and just get on with things? No. You know me better than that.
I'm trying really hard to move on, you know. I've joined a dating agency, which is a bit scary if I'm honest. I haven't dared to upload a picture of myself yet, so heaven knows, everyone must think I'm a right munter. And you wouldn't believe the sorts of things that people put on there either. I've tried to be really honest on my profile, but goodness, there are some optimists out there. I've had a couple of e-mails so far, even without the photo. Or maybe because there isn't one on there, before you say it. I'm really not sure what sort of date I'm going to go on with someone from Illinois. I mean, jeez, think of the travel costs. Do we meet half way? In the sea? I'm not overly keen on the second one either. He seems a bit mean. Not with money, just a bit mean spirited in his profile. And I'm a little alarmed that his profile says that it doesn't matter where he would take someone on a date, as long as they had enough energy for when they got back home. It's a bit forward, don't you think? Crikey.
Like I said, scary old business, but time to move on. I feel like I need to get in there first before you do. It sounds ridiculous, I'm sure, but I know it would hit me really hard if you started dating someone. Logic tells me it shouldn't, but since when did logic feature in my life? I'd already thought of it when we met for coffee, although I didn't mention it to you. It was really awkward, wasn't it? I know that you wanted to check how I was, make sure that I was getting on OK, but I didn't want to talk about it. You see, some of the trust has gone. I don't think you were very honest with me. I think you already knew that there was no chance for us before we came home from our weekend, but you didn't want to say so. Do you remember on the last night, when we were standing outside the cinema, choosing what film to see? They both looked really good, so I said well, we could always see the other one when we get back. And do you remember what you said? Of course you don't, you've got a crap memory. You said that you were trying to decide if you went to see one of them at the cinema, which of them would you bother to watch on the TV. So you see, even then, you'd got no plans for us to see one another when we came back. And that hurts. You're going to say it was just an idle comment, and that I'm reading too much into it. I might be. But I might not.
I've been telling all of these people what a mess I've been, and how much I miss you, and it's true. I told them how I wouldn't be the person I was without you. They don't agree with me, you know. But then, you wouldn't either, would you? You've always said that I was a strong woman, that I could do anything, and that you were really proud of the woman I was. That it was down to me, not you. I don't know where we're going to go from here, either. We've got plans to go out for a drink before Christmas, because it's traditional, we do it every year. But I'm not sure, even though we've started talking a bit more, that it will be easy. That's sort of why I wrote this letter to you, so that I could have a think about things, and get them sorted out in my own mind.
It might help you too.
But you know that I'm never going to send it, don't you? Of course you do. You know me better than I know myself.
But I'm getting there.
Sunday, 2 December 2007
Posted by The Woman who Can at 13:10