Thursday, 6 December 2007

Voices in my Head

I've been off work to day, to get started on this Christmas shopping lark. It was no use just putting it off, sooner or later it's going to come and I needed to be ready for it. It's quite a mindless task, shopping, don't you think? If you lived inside my head (and for all I know, you might), this is what you would have heard.

ooh i've got the day off i'm not going to work i'm going in the opposite direction la la la la la la i'm not going to work sod it i've forgotten the list i've got no idea what was on the damn list i'll just have to make it up as i go along christ how long does it take to get to the Merry Hill it would have been quicker to bloody walk i've got no idea where we are i could be on the wrong bloody bus for all i know ooh i think i know her oh this looks a bit familiar it must be the right way after all thank christ for that it's nearly time to go back home again i think i'll just have a look in here that's a nice top i might get that it's not really christmas shopping but sod it where shall i go now i think i might go in here they'll do they look all right my feet hurt i wished i'd bought a different bag with me i could have put stuff in the big one this handbag's pissing me off it keeps slipping off my shoulder now my shoulder hurts as well is it lunchtime yet i'm starving christ it's only half past 10 i could do with going to the toilet i'll just have a look in here my throat hurts now i think i must have the flu that's all i need just before bloody christmas ooh he's nice looking and he's singing to Valerie by the Zutons he probably thinks i don't know who the Zutons are

"I thought I'd come to you to be served as you were singing so nicely"

oh christ i'm flirting with a boy who's young enough to be my son he must think i'm his aged aunt shall i tell him i went to see Radiohead no i don't think that will help christ what am i wearing when i'm flirting with people a coat that's 2 sizes too big and my son's shoes fabulous i look like one of those women who mutters and has a tartan shopping trolley and smells of wee oh i think i might get that i wish someone would buy one of these for me i really like it my feet hurt i'm hungry shall i have a coffee i haven't been to the toilet yet i wished i'd put some make up on ooh i like her coat god she must be 80 i've turned into an old woman i hope i look like that when i'm 80 i wished i looked like that now i wonder if i should have botox do i need to get better moisturiser i should use the stuff i have it does no good just sitting there my back hurts i'm too hot

" I doe no why thems bothered. All that work and them kids am just keep guwin rait up the rowud end"

christ i live about 10 miles away and it's like a different bloody language i wonder if they do it at night school black country for beginners i'm starving it must be time to get something to eat i'll have to wait for the toilet i'm not carrying all these bloody bags any further i hope i don't have to wait a long time for the bus it's bloody freezing i wished i'd brought my gloves with me are they in my pocket i must have left them on the stairs christ are we going a different way i've still got no bloody idea where we are ooh a sheep i wonder why we don't call them sheeps are they called sheeps sheeps sheeps no it's sheep i wonder if there are more words like that horse cow elephant monkey no can't think of any ooh is that a goose oh it's a binbag oh i forgot to put the bin out today i think i need to wear my glasses more often looks nothing like a bloody goose is that shop called Farmhouse Christ oh no it's Cheese christ where are my glasses i'm only supposed to wear them for reading is that a llama in their garden it can't be a llama is it real christ i've ricked my neck now my back hurts i really need the toilet now

I left the house at 8 this morning and returned about 2. Imagine that inside my head for 6 hours. 6 HOURS. I've edited the dull bits out.

And I wonder why I'm single.


aims said...

OMG!!! You must be exhausted with all that going on in your head!

At least you are keeping yourself company!

I laughed so hard at this - now I must find the toilet!!

Happy Holidaze to you - you made my morning!

belle said...

brilliant! I've been reading about stream of consciousness today and I tell you, Joyce and Woolf have got nothing on you :o))

Anonymous said...

That was one hell of a brilliant post! Your head sounds a little like mine!

Crystal xx

Swearing Mother said...

Time for a lie down in a darkened room I think! It's getting to us all now, I can't even blog at the moment, SO busy! Good luck with it all, hope your head doesn't explode!

Jo Beaufoix said...

I loved that. Hee hee. My brain does that too, normally when I'm trying to sleep. Was it a llama? That would be cool.

Tina said...

Aims, it is very tiring. It's why I need to lie on the sofa. A lot.

Belle, Joyce & Woolf? A dinner lady and a biker? Who are these people? They'll never amount to anything, you mark my words.

Crystal, thank god I'm not alone.

SM, I hope so too. But not with much confidence.

Jo, welcome! I discussed it with Belle, it may have been an alpaca. Or as I still didn't have my glasses on, it may have been a large labrador. Or a bush. Don't you love a mystery?

Manic Mother Of Five said...

Hi lovely lady. Giggled lots reading this - rang sooooo true. We woman have far too many things to deal with/worry about.

See you soon!